You're way better at this super-important thing than you think. Here's why...
You probably don't even think you do it much, but you absolutely do -- and you're probably pretty good at it.
Hi there, my friend.
I’d like to start this note by asking you two questions…
I’m super-curious to see how you answer these questions because I believe that most people would answer no to both of them. Even though Americans have a reputation around the world as being brash and boisterous — rightfully so, I’d say — the reality is that most of us simply don’t like confrontation. We get all sweaty-palmed at the idea of negotiating, and it is only getting worse.
But here’s the thing…
We do it all the time, and because of that, we’re probably way better at it than we think.
12 times you’ve negotiated without thinking about it
In the prologue of my book — “Ask Questions, Save Money, Make More: How To Take Control Of Your Financial Life” — I lay out a series of beliefs, concepts and themes that make up the core of my book. One of them is that you have way more negotiating experience than you think.
Here are the dozen negotiations I lay out in that section that most of us have probably done but never really thought of as negotiation:
The temperature of the thermostat
The best time for a work meeting
Which parent takes which kid to which activity
What to buy at the grocery store for the week
What to listen to while making dinner or driving somewhere
Convincing your roommate, significant other or child to do the dishes or take out the trash
What TV show or movie to watch with a friend or relative
What time your kid needs to be home
Where to have dinner with a friend or relative
What dessert to split
Where to go for your next family or group vacation
Who brings what to the holiday meal.
That’s just to mention a few. There’s literally a potentially endless list of things we negotiate and manage on a daily basis. And, to quote myself,
“In many or most of those activities, you probably don’t feel like an inexperienced scaredy-cat, right?”
Right.
The truth is that, in many cases, the things listed above are actually way more stressful than negotiating with a bank or a cable company or a gym. That’s because they involve people you love, people that matter to you and whose feelings you probably don’t want to hurt. It’s one thing to look like a jerk in front of a faceless person on the phone; it’s something else entirely to look like one to your spouse, kid or Aunt Kathy.
However, we still don’t tend to see these interactions in that way. We downplay what we’ve done — Oh, I wasn’t negotiating; I was just talking — when in reality, we should instead see it as empowering.
Let your family and friends help you improve
If you are comfortable in having these conversations with your loved ones, consider enlisting their assistance the next time you have a negotiation that you’re nervous about.
Role-playing can be an amazing way to calm your nerves. Ask a trusted friend or relative to walk through a conversation with you where they pretend to be the bank’s customer service representative, for example, so you can practice what you’ll say. It may seem silly, but it works.
Ideally, you’d go through it a few times.
First, let everything go as smoothly as possible.
Second, have your loved one give you a little pushback. You should still get your way, but it should take a little longer and perhaps require a little more persistence.
Finally, they should really let you have it. That doesn’t mean that they should curse you or do anything over the top, but have the conversation be a worst-case scenario of what could realistically happen. I compare it to the old coach’s concept of “making practice worse than the game.” Chances are nothing’s going to be as bad as how you were talked to in this role-play, so you may be able to relax a little more when the time comes for the actual conversation.
Share your success or horror story
If you’ve ever had one of these family or friend negotiations go really well — or really wrong — I’d love to hear it. Let us know in the comments below.
Until next time!
Matt